


in the muddy water we’re crawling

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, I regret everything but I will finish it I swear, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Smut, Violence, mafia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-10-17 06:53:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17555495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Yuzuru spent his whole life in his father's world, filled with crime and fear. He was resigned to his fate until suddenly he met someone who maybe, just maybe, could save him from the darkness.Yuzuru just had to do the same for him.(aka a mafia au, and you're in for a crazy ride)Will be unlocked for a week once it's finished.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Mafia AU! Will be long, will be pretty dark, so please be careful if you don't like heavier topics! Some characters might be a bit ooc, but well, this is an au and the situation needs it.  
> Title from 'Muddy waters' by LP  
> English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes!

 

Yuzuru opened his eyes and at first couldn't understand why he was even awake. The room around him was dark, a dim moonlight seeping through a crack between the curtains. He blinked quickly and then he saw him, still figure standing by the door.

„What's going on?” Yuzuru asked, sitting up slowly, something cold settling in his stomach already.

It couldn't be anything good.

„Your father needs you.” Daisuke said flatly „You've ten minutes.” he added before leaving, and Yuzuru took in a deep, calming breath.

It would be fine, he would be fine.

He hated when it happened, but it was more common lately. _I need to show you how the business works,_ his father always said, and Yuzuru just gritted his teeth, not saying anything.

The thing was, he knew how the business worked, he knew it so well, because he had been living inside it for twenty- one years now. He knew how a gun felt in his hand, he knew the smell of blood and money and fear.

He didn't want to know more, he didn't want to cross a point that would mean no coming back and no redemption.

But he didn't have a choice, not really.

Yuzuru dressed up quickly and walked downstairs. Daisuke was waiting by the front door and Yuzuru followed him outside and to the car parked on the driveway. His father was already there, checking something on his phone, and barely acknowledging Yuzuru's presence.

„Where are we going?” Yuzuru asked after a few minutes of silence, not really expecting an answer.

„You'll see.” his father said, looking away from his phone for a second and then going back to it „I've some work for you.” he added carelessly and Yuzuru's stomach twisted.

The ride didn't take long, about twenty minutes, and when the car stopped Yuzuru realized where they were immediately. An old storehouse on the outskirts of the city, his father's property. A place where a lot of bad things happened, and apparently it was going to happen again that night.

Yuzuru's heart was pounding in his chest as he followed his father and Daisuke inside. He prayed silently that it wasn't the night, that he wouldn't be faced with a choice he felt was coming, but then they stepped inside the main space and Yuzuru's stomach dropped.

There was a man, tied to a chair standing in the middle of the room, his body slumping forward, and it was clear that he would fall on the floor if it weren't for the rope. Yuzuru couldn't see his face when he was sitting in that position, and he was glad. He still could see blood stains on his shirt, and he swallowed hard.

„Any problems?” he heard his father's voice and just then he noticed Shoma standing next to the chair, his expression blank.

„Not at all.”

„Good.” father said, stepping closer and then turning to look at Yuzuru „Come closer.”

Yuzuru's legs moved like on their own, the cold feeling in his stomach coiling. He stood next to his father, trying not to look at the person tied to the chair.

„You know why you're here, Yuzuru?” his father asked and Yuzuru shook his head stiffly, and his father sighed rather theatrically „You see, I one day, you'll be in charge of all of that, whether you want it or not. And before it happens, I need to teach you how to make choices, and here we have a perfect opportunity.” he explained and Yuzuru felt like he was going to be sick.

His father glared at Shoma, who apparently understood the message, because he hit the wounded man in the head, making him cough and spit a few drops of blood. Then Shoma grabbed the collar of his shirt and forced him to sit straight.

The stranger's eyes were closed, his face pale and bruised; he looked young, and Yuzuru had to bit his lip not to make a sound.

„Here.” his father said, handing him a gun, and Yuzuru took it, not thinking about it, cold metal burning his palm like fire „He was caught selling on our territory. You know that we don't tolerate competition. We need to be strict, or everyone in the city would think they are allowed to do whatever they want.” he explained, his smile turning predatory „So, what will you do? Kill him or spare his life and maybe make him useful, somehow?”

Yuzuru felt like he was about to throw up, his hand shaking, his back covered in sweat. He knew what his father expected of him- to eliminate the guy and become just like him, to destroy that remaining part of himself that was still left intact. And what was the point, to keep the stranger alive? He had probably told Shoma everything he knew, and sparing him would mean sentencing him to who knows what fate.

Yuzuru swallowed with difficulty, his throat dry and hurting, his head spinning, the pressure in his chest making it heard to breathe.

He had done awful things in his life already, but that, that would be-

Suddenly, the stranger opened his eyes slowly, and Yuzuru's heart stopped beating for a second.

The man's eyes were dark and terrified, fogged with pain and confusion. But there was something else, also, something Yuzuru couldn't read but what stabbed him right in his chest.

Slowly, he turned to his father and handed him the gun, trying his absolute best to keep his expression blank.

His father smirked.

„Interesting choice, Yuzuru. We shall see if you regret it.”

 

 


	2. we are kneeling at the river's edge

 

Yuzuru opened his eyes and immediately knew he overslept, the sun outside already hanging high. He groaned, turning on his stomach and hiding his face in the pillow, deciding that he didn't really had to get up anyway. It wasn't like he had school or some normal job he had to go to.

Yuzuru's life was fully shaped by his father, since the moment he had taken his very first breath. His father was a traditionalist and didn't even want to hear about a woman in charge of a family business, so Yuzuru's sister was free to leave whenever she wanted- she had done that two months after her eighteenth birthday and Yuzuru saw her three times since that. He never blamed her for taking the easy way out, he would have done the same, if he only had a chance. But his father needed an heir, someone who would carry the business on his shoulders.

Yuzuru never wanted that.

He had tried to escape twice, the second attempt from just a year earlier that left an ugly scar on his ribs. So Yuzuru gave up, finally, and accepted the fact that there was no other life waiting for him.

He took his time getting up and putting on some clothes, and then made the long way downstairs to the main kitchen. They were all living in a mansion just on the edge of the city, surrounded by a garden and a very high wall that was protecting them from curious eyes and his father's enemies.

Yuzuru had a part of the house all to himself, where he could live without leaving for days. Two bedrooms, bathroom, small kitchen, a living room- basically a small apartment. Still, there was an unnamed deal that he had to go to the main part of the house everyday to check if his father didn't leave anything for him. He liked to leave Yuzuru some documents and reports about their international business, and then check his knowledge during their rare talks.

The kitchen wasn't empty.

„Good morning.” Akiko said, nodding at him „Do you want something to eat?”

„I'll grab some fruit and something to drink, thank you.” Yuzuru said and she nodded, and he noticed how her eyes travelled to a table standing in a corner before she gave him a tight smile.

„Of course.” she said and turned away, going back to cutting vegetables.

Yuzuru slowly walked over to the fridge, taking his time locating orange juice and pouring himself a glass, stretching the moment for as long as he could. And then, he stepped closer to the table and looked at the file lying on it.

_Javier Fernandez_

Yuzuru had never heard that name before, but when he slowly opened the folder he almost dropped his glass.

There was a handsome guy staring at him from the picture on the first page, with bright smile and curly dark hair. And Yuzuru realized he had seen that same face five days earlier, horribly bruised and with eyes full of fear.

His insides twisted and for a moment Yuzuru had to fight an urge to throw up.

His father had gathered information about the man Yuzuru saved. Javier. A clear signal for Yuzuru that it was his responsibility now.

He grabbed the file and walked all the way back to his room, where he settled on a wide window sill.

Javier Fernandez. Three years older than Yuzuru, born in Madrid, Spain. Came to Canada two years earlier, worked legally in a bookstore and then in a community centre. No sign of any criminal activity, any connections, which was very, very weird. Yuzuru had no doubt that people working for his father were professionals and wouldn't miss any crucial information. But the guy's only fault was that one time selling drugs in the last place he should.

Yuzuru sighed deeply, putting the file away. His father's crime imperium was spreading on many countries and continents, and he had his people everywhere. He wasn't picky when it came to business- he was mainly managing selling drugs and guns, but Yuzuru had a pretty solid suspucion he was also involved in some kidnappings and smuggling people. To be honest, Yuzuru didn't want to know everything, for as long as he could. He had already seen too much.

Hesitantly, Yuzuru reached for the file again and took the photo. Javier's smile seemed happy and honest, but Yuzuru knew that people never were exactly what they seemed.

He wondered if the guy could be a cop. It would make sense, that one-time selling drug thing seeming kinda suspicious. On the other hand, it was probably too high of a risk, since Yuzuru's father wasn't known from his mercy.

Yuzuru sighed and rubbed his eyebrow, feeling dull pain forming in his skull. And then, he grabbed his phone and dialed Daisuke's number.

„Could you bring me the guy?” he asked shortly, knowing that Daisuke would understand.

„Your father said you might want that. Ten minutes.”

Ten minutes meant that they were keeping Javier somewhere in the house, probably in the east wing where all the shady business stuff was happening and where Yuzuru tried not to go too frequently. He wondered briefly if he should do it all in here or move to the other room, but then he shrugged his shoulders. He felt more confident in here anyway.

There was a short knock on the door and a moment later Daisuke walked in, basically pushing Javier in front of him.

„Thank you.” Yuzuru said, nodding „You can leave.”

„I'm not sure if your father would like that.” Daisuke said and Yuzuru had to try really hard not to flinch.

„He's not here.” he said flatly „I can handle it. Wait outside, please.”

Daisuke didn't look pleased, but nodded shortly and left, closing the door, and suddenly there was only Yuzuru and Javier, staring at each other in deafening silence.

Javier looked better than a few days earlier, some of his bruises gone, but some of them were still there, staining his face with blue and yellow. His eyes were also different- not terrified anymore, but surprisingly blank. He tilted his head a little, as if he was waiting for something, and Yuzuru cleared his throat.

„You can sit if you want.” he said, pointing at a chair nearby and sitting on his bed.

Javier stood still for a moment and then slowly made his way to the chair, letting out a quiet hiss when he sat down. There were probably more bruises hidden under his shirt, or maybe even worse injuries, broken skin and fractured bones. Yuzuru didn't really want to know. And most importantly, he didn't really care.

„My name is Yuzuru.” he said, looking at the guy calmly „Yours?”

„I bet you know that already.” Javier said, his voice quiet and just a tiny bit ironic, and that threw Yuzuru off a little bit. He also had a slight accent that would be charming if his expression wasn't so horribly twisted.

„I do.” Yuzuru nodded and then decided to go straight to the topic „I don't have time and desire to stretch that, so I need you to be honest with me. Why the fuck did you sell drugs on my father's teritory?”

Javier flinched visibly, but didn't say a word, and Yuzuru felt a sting of irritation.

„Listen, I saved your life back there, so be nice and tell me that one fucking thing.”

Javier gave him a long, blank look, and then sighed quietly.

„I didn't know it was your father's teritory.” he said, his voice monotone „I didn't know about all that shit at all.”

„So it was your first time dealing?” Yuzuru asked and Javier gritted his teeth.

„First and last.” he said darkly and Yuzuru felt a tiny bit intrigued by that.

„I bet the guys already asked you about your partners and all that stuff.” he said and a spasm ran through Javier's face, his hand coming to rub his side gently „I'm more interested in why did you decide to do that at all.”

With that Javier's face change instantly, his eyes darkening.

„It's not your fucking buisness.” he said lowly and Yuzuru blinked rapidly.

„I'm afraid it is, now.” he said sarcastically „I don't think you realize your situation, so let me clear it up for you. You're only alive because I didn't pull the trigger. One word and-”

„Why didn't you?” Javier asked, looking at him openly, and something wild flickered in his eyes, like he was on the verge of bursting into hysterical laughter „Why the fuck didn't you?” he repeated, weaker than before, and his hand travelled to his side again and he took a deep, long breath.

Yuzuru suddenly didn't feel like he could do it anymore, so he called Daisuke's name and told him to take Javier away.

He hadn't pulled a trigger for one simple reason- that would make him a murderer, and Yuzuru wasn't a killer, not yet, not as long as he could help it. He had done bad things on behalf of his father, but nothing really close to taking someone's life. But now, Yuzuru didn't know what to do.

He doubted that his father would let Javier go. Maybe he would if it was different, but now the Spaniard was a part of his game, his way to fuck with Yuzuru's mind.

Yuzuru wondered if his stupid act hadn't sentenced Javier to something worse than a gunshot.

 

 

Daisuke knocked to his door a few hours later, when the sun was almost hidden behind the horizon.

„Come with me.” was all he said, and Yuzuru knew what it meant. He followed Daisuke to his father's office, and it was hard to keep his face straight when he also saw Javier and Shoma there.

His father nodded and Shoma left the room immediately while Daisuke took a position by the door and Yuzuru sat down slowly, Javier sitting on a chair on his left.

„So I've hear you had a little talk today.” Yuzuru's father said lightly, like he was talking about the weather „I hope it went well?”

Yuzuru tried not to move a muscle.

„Just fine.” he said. In the corner of his eye he could see Javier, who was sitting stiffly, staring at his own hands.

„I'm glad.” his father nodded, giving him an unpleasant, predatory smile „You know, Yuzuru, your decision disappointed me at first. It means you're still too weak to really be a part of all of this. But now I think I can turn it into a perfect learning opportunity.” he leaned forward on his elbows and Yuzuru's insides twisted „You probably thought you would never see our new friend again, right? That I would send him somewhere and not bother you with him? Well, that's wrong.” he laughed sharply „Your actions have consequences, my son, and you'll both learn that. So I decided that our dear Javier will be a part of your security now.”

Yuzuru blinked, dumbfounded.

On his left, Javier shifted in his chair, and Yuzuru looked at him, curious.

„No offence to your criminal masterplanning.” he said, a shadow of irony in his voice again „But you realize I could take the first opportunity to kill him, right?” he asked and Yuzuru shivered at his words, a voice of a man who had nothing to lose.

„Of course I thought about it.” Yuzuru's father said, reaching for an envelope that was lying in front of him „That's why I did my research.” he added, laying down a bunch of photos, and Yuzuru saw Javier's face going pale. He looked at the photos and saw only strangers, and his stomach churned.

„I know that you can handle a gun, I saw your records from your time at your high school shooting team.” Yuzuru's father said „I'm sure Daisuke will be so nice and help you with mastering other skills, right?”

„Of course.” Daisuke said emotionlessly from his spot by the door and Javier's face turned grey.

Yuzuru closed his eyes for a second, really fighting not to change his expression. He knew that his father was doing that to torment him, to torment both of them, and he didn't want to give him any satisfaction.

„So if you try and hurt my son, your family pays. You don't do your job- your family pays. I've people everywhere, Javier. You don't really have a choice in here.” Yuzuru's father said before looking at his son „And you'll learn that saving useless people causes only trouble. I hope you'll enjoy a constant company of someone who just wants to hurt you.”

Javier's face turned grey. He didn't say a word, staring at the man in front of him, his eyes dark and wide, and Yuzuru felt sorry for him, for that total stranger who shouldn't even be here.

„Daisuke, please take them both to Yuzuru's quarters, they can start getting to know each other immediately. But for now I'd like someone to stay with them for now, just to be sure they get along.” he said and then took out his phone, clearly signaling that the conversation was over.

Daisuke had to basically drag Javier all the way to Yuzuru's place, while Yuzuru was only able to think how much he hated his own father.

„I'm gonna stay here for a while, then I will switch with someone.” Daisuke announced emotionlessly, sitting by the table in Yuzuru's kitchen. Javier looked like he was ready to tumble over and Yuzuru had to swallow a scream of frustration.

„Follow me.” he said flatly and led Javier to the smaller of two bedrooms. It had never been used, but the cleaners always made sure to tidy it up and it was ready to use; there was even a smile pile of clothes on the bed- apparently his father had taken care of everything.

Javier didn't say a word and Yuzuru felt sick again. He didn't know him, at all, but it was all so fucking wrong. Only his father could come up with something so messed up.

Yuzuru wanted to say something, anything, just to break the heavy, suffocating silence between them, but there were no words in the entire universe that could be right in that situation. So he just turned around and walked to the door, but was stopped by Javier's quiet voice.

„He would really do that, wouldn't he?”

Yuzuru closed his eyes, not daring to turn around.

„He would.”

A moment of silence, a shaky breath.

„Fuck.” Javier said weakly and Yuzuru heard how he slumped on the bed heavily „I've a ticket for the next Monday. I was supposed to go back home. Fuck.” his voice faltered and Yuzuru couldn't breathe.

He left without looking back.

 

 


	3. tempting all the steps to follow closer right behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A crack of electricity.

Yuzuru's father was right about one thing.

Javier Fernandez absolutely hated him, Yuzuru was sure of that.

It wasn't like Yuzuru cared about it, or wanted Javier to like him, anything. It was understandable. But everytime they saw each other Javier's eyes were blank and emotionless, and only sometimes Yuzuru could see something dark flashing in his gaze, something that just had to be envy. It was uncomfortable and tiring, and Yuzuru hated every damn second.

It had been three weeks and they barely talked, Javier leaving in the mornings to do his training with Daisuke, then going back to their... apartment and avoiding Yuzuru as much as possible.

It was fucked up, it was so bad that Yuzuru hadn't been leaving house for weeks now, not really in a mood to do anything beside sitting by his laptop and praying that his father wouldn't need him to do anything. But his father seemed to be busy lately, barely at home and probably pleased with his way of torturing them. So if Yuzuru left his part of the house it was only to visit his mother, that lovely, kind woman who loved her husband too much.

But Javier came to him at some point, finally.

„I need to ask you for something.”

Yuzuru turned around from the counter he was standing at, a cup of tea in his hands. Javier was standing at the opened door of his room, and there was a shadow of some weird expression on his face.

„Yes?” Yuzuru asked and Javier took a few steps closer, and Yuzuru would step back if he could. He knew that Javier wouldn't hurt him, since he knew what consequences it would have, but Yuzuru couldn't help that reflex.

„I'd like to inform my family that I'm okay.” Javier said and then winced „That I'm alive. I don't have a phone, nor a computer.”

Yuzuru stared at him for a minute, considering what to do. Giving Javier a phone was a risk that he would inform someone what was going on; on the other hand, if he didn't let his family know he was okay, they could do something to search for him. And from Javier had said, he was supposed to be back in Spain now, so they probably would do something like that, like any normal family would.

So Yuzuru slowly reached to his pocket and took his phone out, turning one application on.

„This phone will record what you're saying.” he said, handing it to Javier „So whatever you say, in whatever language, it will be checked. So don't try anything, okay?”

„Okay.” Javier nodded, taking the phone and typing a number in, and Yuzuru could see a shadow of anticipation on his face when he put it to his ear.

Whoever answered the phone, a spasm ran through Javier's face when he heard their voice, and he turned around, like he didn't want Yuzuru to look at him. He started talking quickly, and Yuzuru could tell that he was trying to keep his voice steady.

Yuzuru didn't rush him.

He felt sorry for the guy, really. Yuzuru still had no idea why Javier had decided to deal, what was he doing in that part of the city, but the punishmet he was facing was way too cruel.

So Yuzuru let Javier talk, listening to the sound of his voice that wasn't unpleasant at all; Javier sounded different in Spanish, almost vulnerable, almost real, almost happy.

He ended the call after maybe ten minutes, and Javier put the phone on the table slowly, not turning around, his shoulders slumped.

„Thank you.” he said, his voice tight and almost cracking, and he walked back to his room without one look in Yuzuru's direction.

 

He couldn't stand being in the house all the time. So one Tuesday afternnon Yuzuru got into a car with Daisuke and Javier and they drove to one of the shopping centres. Yuzuru wasn't a big fan of spending his time on going from store to store, but he just needed to do something with himself, walk around other people, pretend that he could fit in the crowd.

„Your father left specific instructions in case you want to leave the house.” Daisuke informed him, navigating through the city „Javier will keep close, I'm going to watch from the distance.” he glanced at Javier in the back mirror „You know what to do.” he said dryly and Javier nodded silently- apparently they had gone through all the procedures through their mysterious sessions.

Javier was walking by his side silently as they were passing some stores, but it didn't feel as heavy as at home, when you could basically cut the tension. Yuzuru still didn't know barely anything about Javier, beside the basics. They shared so much space on daily basis, kitchen, living room Javier probably had never walked into, a bathroom with only one toothbrush. Javier was trying his best not to show a sign of any domesticity. Yuzuru understood that and respected that, not walking into Javier's room to let him have at least a minimal feeling of privacy.

„Do you need something? Clothes, other stuff?” he asked politely, not really knowing how Javier's money situation looked like. He wore clothes that looked well fitting and comfortable, so Yuzuru suspected Daisuke had taken him to his apartment to collect everything he needed.

„I'm good, thank you.” Javier said, perfectly polite and flat, and Yuzuru accepted that without a word or move of a muscle.

The only really valuable place for him in there was a bookstore- a big, bright space with books, CDs, all the pretty notebooks and pens. It was a poor substitute of something safe, something normal, where Yuzuru could forget for a second and just pretend. He liked to imagine, sometimes, that he was just a normal guy, maybe going to college, that he had friends and hobbies and family who would eat dinner together everyday.

It was nice, to dream.

He was walking around the store, looking, touching spines of books he would read one day. He picked a few titles, some at random, some being well thought decisions, and paid for them with his father's money. A smiling cashier put the bag on the counter and Javier took it before Yuzuru could react, and that threw him off a little bit.

„You're not my slave, you know.” Yuzuru said quietly when they left the store, feeling slightly uncomfortable, and Javier sent him an unreadable glance.

„It's heavy.” he stated plainly „But I can give it back to you if you want.” he said, extading his hand with the bag.

Yuzuru took it and a corner of Javier's mouth twitched, as if he was amused, and Yuzuru suddenly wondered how he looked like when he smiled.

„Dai, I need a drink.” he announced when they got back to the car „Could you take us to the that bar you liked so much because it was secure?” he asked, putting some mocking pressure on the last word.

„Of course.” Daisuke said emotionlessly and soon they were parking in front of the place they had been talking about „Do you want me to get in with you?”

„Oh don't worry, I don't think he will strangle me in the bathroom or anything.” he said and Javier's jaw clenched while Daisuke remained unmoved.

„I'll stay in the car then.” he said and Yuzuru jumped out of the car immediately.

„Bloody Mary.” he told the bartender and looked at Javier who just sat next to him „You drink?”

„I don't think I'm allowed to.” he said „I'll take water, thank you.” he told the bantender who just handed him his

„Your choice.” Yuzuru said, taking a sip of his drink „What would you order if you were in a drinking mood?”

„Beer.” Javier said after a moment of silence „Or vodka sour.”

„Clean.” Yuzuru said and got back to his drink.

He wasn't much of a drinker, but he liked to get out sometimes and have a glass or two, another attempt to give himself five or ten minutes of pretending.

They sat in silence, Yuzuru with his drink and Javier with his water, and for a moment Yuzuru almost forgot who they were for each other.

The truth was... they were no one.

He finished his drink and ordered another one, and he could tell that Javier was glancing at him from time to time, careful glances with just a shadow of curiosity.

„Do you want to kill me, Javier?”

He thought that Javier didn't hear him through the music, since he didn't answer right away; but when he looked at him, he saw the Spaniard watching at him with dark eyes.

„No.” he said finally „I don't want to kill you.”

He was honest, Yuzuru knew it, could feel it, and he had to take a sip of his drink, because his throat was suddenly dry.

„Do you want to kill my father?” he asked, almost a whisper, and Javier inhaled sharply.

„I think about it, sometimes. But I wouldn't. I can't.”

„Why not?”

„I'm not a murderer.” Javier said „I'm not-” he cut himself off rapidly and there was something in his gaze that made Yuzuru's stomach turn. They looked at each other, straight in the eyes, for the first time in long days, and there was a crack of something in the air between them, a millisecond of electricity, and Yuzuru broke the eye contact immediately and turned away to finish his drink.

The road back to the house was absolutely quiet.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru lived in isolation his whole life. He had been homeschooled for the bigger part of his education and he only had gone to kind of normal high school for rich kids; it hadn't been the greatest of experiences, but at least he could be around people his age, in kind of normal environment. He could go to college too, if he only wanted too, but he knew how it would look like, two or three guys following him all the time and making sure he would be both safe and that he wouldn't leave the country. Yuzuru didn't want to do it that way, beside, he wasn't sure what he would like to study anyway.

The thing was, that Yuzuru was lonely. Painfully and hollowly alone. He didn't have friends, not really, a few people he knew and would hang out with once or twice a year at best. He stayed in touch with Saya, who was now living on the other side of the world, happy and not surpressed by their father anymore. There was his mother, a quiet woman devoted to her flowers and her husband, and Yuzuru loved her, but they couldn't conquer the distance that was between them since the very beggining.

There were some people, one- night stands and quick hook ups that always ended with him leaving immediately after and trying not to think how it would feel to have someone in his life.

And now he had someone in his life, kind of.

Now there was someone living next to him, a quiet guy whose face was made to smile, but who always try to keep his expression blank. A young man, only a little older than Yuzuru, who had made a fatal mistake and now was paying for it, Yuzuru being a tool of his torture.

It had been a month now, and Yuzuru grew curious.

So he started to catalogue what he knew about Javier Fernandez.

24\. Spanish. He loved his family more than anything. His eyes were dark and beautiful. He was a good shooter. Always drank coffee in the morning, its smell waking Yuzuru up. He was quiet. He was handsome.

He was a victim.

And Yuzuru was a part of his prison.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru couldn't sleep.

The night was hot and Yuzuru was turning from side to side, sheets feeling rough against his skin, the air of the room too heavy despite his window being open. He was feeling dizzy with exhaustion, and his skin was itching, and he groaned with frustration, sitting up and rubbing his face.

His legs were weak when he stood up and slowly walked to the kitchen, his head filled with an image of icy water he knew was in the fridge.

But he wasn't the only one in there.

Javier flinched at the sound of opening doors and turned around quickly, a slight surprize on his face when he recogized Yuzuru. Yuzuru walked closer and watched how Javier took out two glasses out of the cupboard and poured water in them, silently sliding one glass towards Yuzuru.

„Thank you.” Yuzuru said quietly, his voice resonating in the silent room.

Javier didn't say anythig, drinking his water and not looking at him, and Yuzuru eyes dropped to his naked torso, and he couldn't help himself from tracing the outline of his body. He had visible muscles, but he also looked a bit too thin than Yuzuru had thought; he spotted a few faint lines, and he wondered how many of them were fresh scars that needed more time to heal.

„Do you hate me?”

He only realized he had said it out loud when Javier looked at him, his eyes wide, and Yuzuru felt an awful pressure against his ribs, hot and fluttering, and suddenly he was almost painfully aware of his bare feet on the cold tiled floor, of the slippery glass in his hands, of centimeters between him and Javier.

„I don't know you, Yuzuru.” Javier said quietly and Yuzuru felt an enexpected shiver running down his spine at the sound of his name in Javier's mouth.

Javier took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment and putting the glass on the counter before looking Yuzuru straight in the eyes.

„I don't know if I want to know you. I don't know what to do. All I know is that-” he swallowed visibly, and his eyes turned vulnerable for the briefest of moments „- all I know is that sometimes I wish I was dead.”

A quiet gasp escaped Yuzuru's lips, and he felt even dizzier and hotter, and he didn't know what was going on, but suddenly he was looking at Javier's lips and the blood was thudding in his ears, and everything was quiet and loud at once.

And then he realized, suddenly and painfully, that they had never touched.

His gaze travelled up and he met Javier's gaze, dark and intense, and he had to inhale through his mouth to get his lungs enough air.

He could swear Javier leaned forward, just an inch, but then someone flashed in his eyes, something like fear and desperation and all the things Yuzuru couldn't read.

And then he turned around and left, quicly and quietly, and Yuzuru's heart was still pounding as he closed his eyes and tried to convince himself that he didn't want to kiss him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying the story guys, despite the fact that it's kind of dark!


	4. is it only when you feel a part is empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tension is growing.

 

„How are you, Yuzuru? How the cooperation between you and Javier is going?” Yuzuru's father asked, looking through his papers carelessly, and Yuzuru didn't move a muscle.

„As good as you could expect in that circumstances.” he said flatly and earned himself an amused look.

„Tell me, are you feeling uncomfortable? In danger? Do you regret keeping him alive?” he asked and Yuzuru almost flinched.

He was feeling uncomfortable around Javier, and he couldn't see it changing at any point. They were in a position with probably no possibility of them getting more familiar with each other. And Yuzuru still remembered their late night encounter from a few days before; he tried not to think about it, but sometimes he couldn't help but wonder what the fuck was that.

So yeah, the atmosphere was far from comfort, but Yuzuru didn't feel threatened in Javier's company. The Spaniard might hate him, or despise him, but he wouldn't hurt him even if he had a chance, Yuzuru was pretty sure of that.

He didn't answer and his father sighed, shaking his head.

„Fine. By the way, I will need you tomorrow, so be prepared.” he said lightly and Yuzuru's stomach churned.

„For what?”

„I need to... talk with some people. Don't wear your nice clothes.” he said, waving dismissively, and Yuzuru inhaled sharply.

He knew what it meant, and his insides twisted. He stood up, ready to leave, but then he stopped abruptly, striked by a sudden idea.

„Father.” he said officialy, turning around „Could I ask you for something?”

 

He knocked to Javier's door and he realized that he was bouncing on his feet impatiently, which was fucking ridiculous.

„Hi.” he said quickly the moment Javier opened the door „I'm not going to take your time, just a moment.”

„Okay.” Javier nodded slowly; he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt that looked very soft and comfortable.

„Here.” Yuzuru said, extending his hand „Take it.”

Javier looked at the old, solid Nokia phone Yuzuru was holding, and then moved his gaze to Yuzuru's face, his eyes surprized.

„I know it's old.” Yuzuru said, wincing „And also you can call only numbers that are already in here, I typed in the number you called from my phone too. Someone will always be listening, so don't- don't try anything.”

Javier stared at him, his gaze dark and searching.

„Why?”

„I just think that it'd be better if you had a phone, so you could contact Dai or- or someone, if soemething happened.” Yuzuru winced „Also I suggested my father that regular calls home would prevent your family from suspecting something.”

It was a risk, Yuzuru knew that, but he was sure that Javier wouldn't risk his family's life by trying and infroming them or anyone else what was really happening with him.

Javier's gaze was strong and unmoved, with a shadow of doubt, and the phone in Yuzuru's hand started to burn his skin.

„It's not a trick, I swear.” he said, and a heartbreat later he realized that Javier had absolutely no reason to believe him anyway, and he felt awkward and stupid.

And then, Javier smiled. Small, crooked smile, that was gone in a second, but that changed his whole face, lightning it up for the briefest of moments.

„Thank you.” he said, taking the phone out of Yuzuru's hand, careful not to touch his skin „I-” he hesitated, suddenly looking uncertain „Thank you.” he repeated and Yuzuru felt bad. He just gave him an old piece of a phone, and it didn't make this whole awful situation any better.

 

* * *

 

The first thing Yuzuru noticed after waking up was a smell of coffee, a familair piece of his mornings now. He was listening to quiet cluttering in the kitchen, and some part of him wanted to go, watch Javier preparing breakfast and drinking his coffee, but he stayed in bed. They were living next to each other, still, and it was how it had to be.

So Yuzuru left his room only when he heard bathroom door and a quiet sound of a water running in the shower.

The only signs of Javier's previous presence were a cup and a plate, washed and placed next to the sink to dry out. They were liked roommates who were doing their best to avoid each other, and Yuzuru wondered briefly how long would it be like that, living like strangers next to each other, _being_ strangers.

Yuzuru knew he had to force something into himself, but the food tasted dry in his mouth and it was so hard to swallow, his throat tight at the thought what was awaiting him. He was chewing on a piece of bread emotionlessly when suddenly he heard a quiet sound flowing from the bathroom, coming through the noise of water.

Javier was singing.

Quietly, in Spanish, carelessly and comfortably, as if he forgot where he was for a moment.

He stopped abrubtly, after maybe twenty seconds, and Yuzuru blinked slowly, trying to get back to himself. He had to focus. He had to be prepared.

 

He was wearing old jeans and a grey hoodie, and Javier looked at him with a tad of curiosity as they were walking all the way to the car, but he didn't say a word. Daisuke was waiting for them downstairs and they all got into the car. Yuzuru immediately realized that they were going to that old warehouse he knew so well, and he had to take a deep breath. There were already two cars parked in front of the building, he saw a familiar silhouette of Takahito by the door, scanning the area.

They were all about to leave the car, Yuzuru already reaching for the door, but then he changed his mind and turned around, looking at Javier.

„Stay here.” he said and Javier blinked at him rapidly with surprize.

„Your father wouldn't like it, I think.” Daisuke said quietly, with warning in his voice, but Yuzuru ignored him, his eyes still glued to Javier's face.

Yuzuru had a pretty good idea what was waiting for him inside that building, and he didn't want Javier to see that.

He still didn't know Javier, not really, but he knew that he shouldn't be there. But he knew that Javier had a rare, beautiful smile, that he sang in the shower and that he didn't deserve any of that.

And now, Javier was staring at him with dark, wide eyes, and Yuzuru knew that he was making the right choice.

„I'll deal with that.” he said quietly and then left the car quickly without looking back at Javier.

Just like Daisuke had said, Yuzuru's father wasn't too pleased.

„And where's our friend?” he asked, his eyes dark and dangerous, and Yuzuru gritted his teeth.

„In the car.”

„Obviously. But why?”

„He's not used to that. It's not his world. I don't need him getting sick in here.” Yuzuru said, hoping that it would be good enough.

„It is his world now, thanks to you.” his father noticed emotionlessly „This time I will let that go. But only this time.”

Yuzuru swallowed hard and then followed his father to another room, and his stomach twisted at the sight of two men kneeling on the floor, theit hands tied.

„Our Italian friends.” his father explained caressly „What can I say, we had a bit of an misunderstanding and these two gentelmen need to learn their lesson. And you're going to help me.”

Yuzuru stood like paralyzed, not able to move, his brain working in slow motion.

„I really need you to cooperate with me, Yuzuru.” his father said quietly „Or what do you think, maybe I should convince Saya to come back home for some time?”

Oh, a good old blackmail.

Yuzuru closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath, trying to fight his nausea.

He didn't really have a choice now.

 

Yuzuru could feel Javier's eyes on him the whole way back to the mansion, but no one said a word.

Yuzuru was feeling awful, sick to the marrow of his bones and he closed his eyes not to look at drops of bloods staining his sleeves.

The moment they came back he ran to the bathroom and threw up until his stomach was empty and his eyes were burning. Then he stood in the shower for half an hour, trying to wash off his guilt and feeling of skin breaking under his fist, a sickening sound of those men's pained cry.

He hated himself, and he hated his father, and he hated his fucking life he had no control over.

If he could only stay like that forever, surrounded by warmth and pretending that the world outside wasn't dangerous and pointless, the only reminder of reality being his hurting hand and painful scratches on his knuckles. He threw his clothes to the dirty laundry basket and put on some shirt and sweatpants he found folded in a corner, not really thinking about what he was doing or what he was going to do. He just knew that he didn't want to see anyone.

Not such luck.

To go to his room he had to walk through the kitchen, and Javier was there, standing by the table, his expression weird, but Yuzuru decided not to read into that.

„Here.” Javier said, sliding a mug in Yuzuru's direction „It should help.”

Yuzuru looked at him dumbly before examining the mug; it looked like tea and had strong, herbal aroma. He took it with his left hand, his right palm feeling stiff, torn off skin causing him a slight pain that he didn't really care about.

„Thank you.” he muttered, taking a careful sip and wincing at the intense taste.

Javier just looked at him, and Yuzuru wondered what was going on in his head.

He was supposed to hate Yuzuru, to loathe him, dream about hurting him. Instead of that he had just made Yuzuru tea to help him fight his nausea.

Who the hell was that person?

Yuzuru finished drinking, his stomach churning but he didn't feel like throwing up again. Somehow he didn't have enough strength to look in Javier's eyes, but he also couldn't force his feet to move, feeling weak and confused and so, so tired.

Javier moved suddenly and Yuzuru watched how he walked over to the fridge, taking a pack of frozen vegetables out of the freezer and making his way back to Yuzuru.

„Give me your hand.” he said and Yuzuru blinked, not really understanding what Javier wanted him to do, his brain working incredibly slow.

Javier shook his head, the corner of his mouth twitching. And then, he took Yuzuru's hand in his and pressed the frozen pack to it.

Yuzuru stood like paralyzed, not able to move, every fibre in his body reminding him that it was the first time they touched, and Yuzuru couldn't feel his hand, but at the same time he could feel every centimeter of Javier's skin pressed against his.

He raised his head and looked into Javier's eyes, and his gaze was strong but at the same time with an undertone of gentelness, and Yuzuru couldn't stand it. He took a step back, tearing his hand away from Javier's grip, the frozen package falling to the floor, his heart pounding. Javier blinked slowly, looking at him intently and Yuzuru's stomach twisted as if he was going to be sick again.

He basically ran away to his room, closing the door and then leaning against it, his back pressed to the cool surface as he tried to take a breath.

He had tortured a man that day, and he could still feel his blood on his hands and hear his sobs, and his head was yet again spinning with disgust.

He hated himself, and that one person who should hate him too was the only person who showed him a bit of kindness.

Yuzuru inhaled shakingly, his chest tight, and he felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes and slowly falling down his cheeks. He slid down to the floor, hiding his head between his knees and trying to muffle his sobs against his hand.

He managed to calm down after some time, taking deep breathes, and then he looked at himself and a hysterical lugh escaped his lips when he realized that the clothes he was wearing weren't his.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru didn't leave his room for three days, with exceptions to go to the bathroom or to grab some food, carefully measured trips to make sure he wouln't bump into Javier.

He couldn't understand what was going on between them, what was going on in Javier's head. He was throwing Yuzuru off with his behaviour, so unexpected, so illogical given the horrible situation he was in.

So he tried to get as much information about Javier he could. He knew so little, only what he had read in that damn file a month earlier, but he wanted to know more, he needed to know more. So he messaged Mao, his father's main informer, and he got an email pretty quick.

There wasn't that much, to be honest, and Yuzuru was feeling a bit disappointed. Some pics ffrom high school and the shooting team, a family photo that made Yuzuru's stomach twist. His time in Canada was a little bit better documented, but nothing exciting. Work in a bookstore, then in a community centre where he was working with kids, teaching Spanish and apparently some reading class. Nothing controversial, all good things and happy faces smiling from the pictures.

All Yuzuru was getting from it was that Javier Fernandez was a good man with one cursed slip.

Yuzuru was feeling awful.

So he decided to drink.

He was sitting in a kitchen patiently when Daisuke walked in a placed a bottle in front of him, his expression blank like usual.

„Here you go.” he said „Don't drink everything at once.”

„Yeah, thanks.” Yuzuru muttered, pouring himself a glass and taking a sip, wincing at the strong taste „You can go now.”

Daisuke gave him one unimpressed look before leaving quietly. Yuzuru was planning to grab the bottle and go to his room, but halfway through his first glass the door to Javier's room cracked open and Yuzuru felt the Spaniard's heavy gaze on him, and his stomach churned.

„You want some?” he asked, raising his glass; it was a weird thing to say after days of not seeing each other, after weeks of circling around each other carefully. But the alcohol was already getting into Yuzuru's head and he just wanted...

He didn't know what he wanted.

Javier looked at him for a moment before slowly walking to the cupboard, grabbing a glass and sitting on the other side of the table.

They sat in silence for long moments, drinking and not looking at each other, and Yuzuru felt both uncomfortable and at peace, alcohol washing some of his feelings away.

„What did you tell your family?” he asked suddenly, the question leaving his mouth without his will, and Javier flinched visibly, a shadow running through his face.

„That I got a job that requires all my attention now.” he said lowly „I don't know for how long they keep on buying it.” he added quietly, his voice cracking a little, and Yuzuru felt a sharp sting in his chest.

„I will try to talk to my father.” he murmured „In a few months. Maybe he'll get bored of that.”

„If I'm still gonna be alive.” Javier said bitterly and Yuzuru flinched at his tone.

Silence again, heavy and heated, but now they were looking at each other, as if they both were searching for something.

„Why were you dealing that night?” Yuzuru asked, a question Javier had once refused to answer, but now he swallowed hard, fingers fiddling with his glass.

„A friend of mine... she needed money for her daughter. She's sick and- I knew some people. I thought that nothing could happen, that one time.” he said a hollow laugh escaping his lips, a sound that wasn't matching his face „How wrong.”

Yuzuru closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get himself together.

„You should hate me.” he mumbled, opening his eyes and looking straight into Javier's eyes „Why don't you fucking hate me? You're a prisoner in here.”

It didn't make sense. It didn't make any fucking sense.

But Javier tilted his head, a shadow of smile in the corners of his lips.

„And you're not?” he asked quietly and Yuzuru felt like he just punched him, and he couldn't be there anymore. He stood up quickly, too quickly, and he had to put his hands on the table to steady himself.

„You okay?” Javier asked, his gaze searching for Yuzuru's, and Yuzuru felt hysterical laughter bubbling in his chest.

„Stop it.” he managed to get out „Stop acting like that.”

It was too much, and he couldn't handle any of that anymore.

Javier's eyes were dark and hard when he looked at Yuzuru again, and Yuzuru couldn't help but shiver under his intense gaze.

„You need to know something, Yuzuru.” he said lowly „You, your father, all these people- you can't change me. No matter what you do, no matter what you alredy did-” he cut himself off and Yuzuru thought about blood on Javier's face, about fresh, red lines scattered across his torso, and his insides twisted.

He couldn't do that.

He fumbled back to his room and threw himself on the bed, trying to stop his body from shaking.

 

 


	5. I will ask you for mercy, I will come to you blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the moment when you should reread the tags and ask yourself if you're comfortable with all of them, because this is when things are getting explicit. It took me two months to write and well, I guess you'll see why! I hope you enjoy, still!

Five, six, seven weeks passed since the very first time they had met, and Yuzuru couldn't keep on pretending anymore.

The air was hot and heavy between him and Javier, the tension only seeming to grow higher and higher with every moment, with every time they gazes locked. Yuzuru wasn't a fool, he knew that it was always there, since the moment Javier had opened his eyes and looked at him, and Yuzuru couldn't pull the trigger.

Yuzuru's skin was crawling as his mind and body started betraying him.

Javier was still fascinating to Yuzuru, more than he wanted him to be, more that he should. He was still quiet, not speaking to Yuzuru first and keeping it all to himself, only his dark eyes following Yuzuru's every move.

Yuzuru still couldn't figure him out, and it was bothering him.

It felt also wrong, to even think about it, think about him, to notice his curly hair and long eyelashes, that he was attractive. It was wrong, in that situation, and Yuzuru felt sick with himself.

He would avoid Javier, if he only could, but there was no way to do so. Javier was obliged to watch him everytime Yuzuru stepped outside the house, so Yuzuru was choosing to stay in, hide inside him room, do anything not to see him too much.

He hoped that maybe, somehow, it would go away, but one day he woke up covered in sweat and with a ringing realization that the itching, nagging feeling was desire.

Yuzuru wanted him. And he hated himself for that, because Javier was the good one, the kind one, the one who shouldn't be there. It felt like a crime, and maybe it was one, to let his mind wander like that.

He needed air.

Javier was sitting in the kitchen when Yuzuru passed him without a word, and he stood up immediately when he saw Yuzuru heading to the door.

„I'm just going to the garden, you don't have to come with me.” Yuzuru said, hoping that it would be enough, but Javier's expression was stoic and unmoved, and Yuzuru knew that he had nothing to say.

It was warm outside and Yuzuru closed his eyes, turning his face to the sun and inhaling deeply, Javier stopping close behind him, silent, but Yuzuru could feel his presence, hot and always there.

„Who's that?” Javier asked quietly, nodding his head, and Yuzuru looked in that direction, at the small figure taking care of roses in the distance.

His heart ached, for a second.

„My mother.”

He haven't spoken to her in days.

Yuzuru glanced at Javier, and almost took a step back, surprised by a sudden look of longing at his face, that was gone in a flash.

He probably missed his own mother.

Yuzuru felt like he was going to throw up.

„Are you okay? You paled, suddenly.” Javier noticed and the know in Yuzuru's stomach tightened even more.

„Do you really care about that?” he couldn't help but ask, the words tasting bad on his tongue, and Javier tilted his head, as if he was considering something.

„I don't hate you, Yuzuru.” he said, his voice low and quiet „I told you that.”

„I still don't understand why.”

A corner of Javier's mouth twitched, as if he was about to smile.

„I know.” he said quietly, his eyes meeting Yuzuru's, and Yuzuru's heart sped up a little.

„Why are you like that?” he asked before he could really think about it, and Javier tilted his head.

„Like what?”

„Good.” Yuzuru blurted out the first word that came into his mind, and Javier blinked.

„You say it like it's something wrong.”

„Not wrong.” Yuzuru managed to say, his lips painfully dry „Difficult.”

Too diffcult.

„But it's right.” Javier said, quiet and sure, and Yuzuru felt a shiver running down his spine, unexpected and chilling, and he couldn't tear his eyes from Javier's.

Javier's gaze was calm and collected, but suddenly Yuzuru discovered that he could see something more in there, a depth he was scared to reach, and his heart stuttered painfully as a spark ran down his spine, sharp and making his breathing hitch.

Javier's eyes widened a bit and he took a step closer and suddenly was right in front of Yuzuru, so close that he could count all his eyelashes.

„Are you okay?” Javier asked again, voice more quiet, but it didn't sound like he wanted to hear the answer, more like he already knew, and Yuzuru had a sudden feeling that maybe Javier was playing with him, that he could see how Yuzuru was reacting to his presence.

„You need to take a step back.” he said, hating how breathless he sounded.

„You know I wouldn't hurt you.”

Javier's voice was husky and quiet, and Yuzuru's skin felt hot while his chest was like freezing.

„Yeah. You don't really have a choice.” Yuzuru said, his voice raspy, thinking about his father's blackmail. Javier's eyes darkened, and Yuzuru knew that he could step back, away from Javier and heat radiating from his body . But at the same time he couldn't move, rooted to the spot, as if there was something magnetic about Javier, something what wasn't letting Yuzuru go.

„You really think that's the reason?”

No. He didn't.

 

* * *

 

He needed to get rid of that. He needed to find someone, anyone, to try and get rid of that awful, terrible longing that now seemed to be imprinted deep in his bones. So two days later he found himself in front of a club he knew very well, Daisuke waiting in the car and Javier standing by his side, his expression blank. Yuzuru could tell that he knew what Yuzuru wanted to do, and that thought was making him shiver, and he didn't want to know why. He closed his eyes for a second, inhaling deeply, and he could hear muffled music coming from inside.

„Are we going in?”

Javier's tone was emotionless, but Yuzuru could swear he heard something peculiar in his voice, so he opened his eyes and looked at him, the tension cracking in the air between them.

„Good?” Yuzuru asked bluntly, a trace of challenge in his voice, and Javier tilted his head a little, his gaze unreadable. Yuzuru nodded to himself, not really surpised by the lack of response, but then Javier reached out with his hand suddenly, carding his fingers through Yuzuru's hair smoothly.

„Now good.” Javier said quietly, withdrawing, and Yuzuru felt a shiver running down his spine, itching of his skin turning almost unbearable, and he couldn't tear his eyes away from Javier's face, his small, almost secretive smile.

Somehow he looked both relaxed and sad, and so many things at once, and Yuzuru felt a lump forming in his throat. A part of him wanted to go back to the car, go home and crawl into his bed. The same part of him longed to take Javier's hand, talk to him, pretend that they were someone else and that it could be different.

But they weren't, and nothing could change. So Yuzuru gave him one last glance before forcing his legs to move and going inside, Javier following him quietly.

It was easy, like usual.

Yuzuru had two shots before he caught an eye of the guy sitting on the other side of the bar. He was handsome, maybe too much, even. Regular features, good hair, smirk playing on his lips.

Would do, Yuzuru thought.

The guy smiled and tilted his head, an offer clear in his eyes.

Yuzuru's stomach twisted into a knot so he took another shot, trying to gain enough courage to look at Javier sitting by his side.

His eyes were dark and there was something there, flickering and deep, and Yuzuru would give up so much just to know what he was thinking.

„You're going?” Javier asked quietly, tilting his head in the guy's direction, but Yuzuru couldn't tear his eyes off of him, and it suddenly felt wrong, to be in that place, surrounded by strangers and loud music, lights and sounds overwhelming, alcohol buzzing in Yuzuru's veins.

„Let's go home.”

The words left his lips without a second of thinking, and Javier blinked, drawing back a little, and Yuzuru could swear that his face turned soft for the briefest of moments.

They were almost at the door when Yuzuru felt someone's fingers wrapping around his wrist, forcing him to stop.

„Going somewhere?”

It was the guy Yuzuru had been looking at, the one that was pretty clear with being interested.

„Leaving. Let go.”

The guy smirked, opening his mouth to say something, but someone was faster.

„You better let go of him now.”

Javier stepped in between Yuzuru and the stranger, his back strong and sure, and Yuzuru inhaled deeply, suddenly feeling dizzy.

He didn't exactly know what happened, but suddenly he was free from the stranger's grip and he was being dragged outside by Daisuke, and Yuzuru had no idea what was going on.

„What-” he breathed in shakily once Daisuke pushed him into the car „Where's-”

„Inside.” Daisuke said shortly, glancing at him in the back mirror „Dealing with the problem.”

Yuzuru's insides twisted painfully, and he swallowed hard, lips and throat dry.

„Shouldn't you go and help him?” he asked and Daisuke's stare darkened.

„It's my job to keep you safe, not him.”

Yuzuru spent five more agonizing minutes, sitting in the backseat, and it felt like he could breathe only when he saw Javier exiting the club, recognizing his silhouette in the flickering lights. He was hoping Javier would sit next to him, but he chose the front seat, letting out a quiet sigh when he closed the door.

„Are you okay?” Yuzuru asked, his voice catching up in his throat, but he didn't get an answer, and Javier didn't even spare a look in his direction.

Yuzuru saw how Daisuke glanced at Javier and silently opened the gloves compartment and handed him a box of tissues.

„Thanks.” Javier muttered, his voice muffled as he pressed a tissue to his mouth, and Yuzuru caught a glimpse of it turning red.

He felt sick, so sick that he had to close his eyes and try to breathe, not to let himself fall.

And then, someone brought him back.

„You good in there?”

Yuzuru opened his eyes and saw Javier, who was looking at him intently, and his heart started pounding even harder.

In the dim light of the room he moving car he could see a bruise forming on his cheek, a trace of blood in the corner of his mouth, broken skin on his temple, and Yuzuru's lungs burned.

„Are you?” he asked, his voice sounding more like a squeak.

„I've had worse.” Javier said, glancing at Daisuke, a shadow running through his face, and Yuzuru's breathing hitched.

The rest of the way to the house passed in a heavy silence and when they finally got there Yuzuru moved like on the autopilot, going to his place, Javier following him quietly. They got into their kitchen- however weird that sounded.

„Sit, I'll find something-” Yuzuru gestured helplessly, his throat raw, and he basically ran to the bathroom. The first aid kit was in its usual place and he found in immediately, but he couldn't force himself to leave immediately, his legs feeling weak. He leaned against the sink, avoiding looking in the mirror, and he splashed his face with cold water.

It was okay, it was okay.

He grabbed the kit and went back to the kitchen to find Javier sitting on one of the chairs, half naked, his shirt soaking in kitchen sink.

It was good way to get rid of blood stains.

„I'm okay.” Javier said when he saw him, but Yuzuru only shook his head.

Javier didn't even flinch when Yuzuru gently cleaned all the spots on his face when the skin broke, and Yuzuru was finally able to breathe somehow steadily.

„I'm sorry.”

„It's not your fault.” Javier said, quietly, and Yuzuru felt a bitter taste in his mouth.

„Of course it is. It's all-” he didn't finish, just put the wad away and looked at Javier again, and his heart stopped for a second.

Javier's gaze was dark and serious, and Yuzuru could swear, he was sure that-

„Don't look at me like that.” he almost pleaded, blood pounding in his ears, circling in his veins with its hot stream.

„Like what?” Javier asked, his voice husky, and Yuzuru felt like all the remainings of self- control left his body.

He was feeling like in some kind of a trance, and he couldn't help himself, couldn't stop his fingers from tracing Javier's features, eyebrows, nose, cheekbones. He ran his fingers down his neck and Javier gasped quietly, his eyes wide open, and Yuzuru felt a shiver running down his spine, and he had to lick his suddenly dry lips.

He was half hard already, but he didn't even think about it, lost, fascinated by the feeling of Javier's skin under his fingertips. He was caressing his chest now, feeling strong muscles and smooth skin scattered with short, sharp lines, reminders of Shoma's methodical work, and its presence seemed scandalous on Javier's tanned skin.

Javier's chest was heaving now and Yuzuru heard his rapid breathing, felt muscles of his stomach contracting beneath his hand, and he was painfully aware of what he wanted, of what he needed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to fight with trembling of his body, hot waves of desire crashing inside him. And then, he looked into Javier's eyes and saw there the same desperate need he was feeling, and his heart fluttered at the intensity of his gaze, and it was like every bit of his self restraint evaporated from his mind.

Without thinking, he put his hands on Javier's shoulders and sat in his lap, and Javier yelped quietly, his dark eyes never leaving Yuzuru's. Yuzuru swallowed hard, his throat feeling like sandpaper.

He couldn't think.

He raised his hips a little and then rolled them against Javier's, and the sensation made him keen, a wave of intense pleasure coursing through his veins. Javier exhaled shakily and his figers grasped Yuzuru's hips, pulling him down against him with force and Yuzuru tried to bit back helpless, raw moans from escaping his lips. Javier's expression was both pained and full of pleasure and Yuzuru couldn't look at him anymore, so he closed his eyes, grinding his hips harder, faster, desperate for his release, the friction just enough. He leaned forward a bit, eyes still closed, and he felt hot breath fanning over his collarbone, he heard Javier's quiet, choked out whimpers and Yuzuru's whole body shuddered as he came, quickly and blindingly, his hips stuttering uncontrollably, prolonging the feeling of overwhelming pleasure. When he opened his eyes his vision was blurred, and it took him a second that Javier was breathing heavily, still hard against Yuzuru, and Yuzuru felt like something took control over him, not letting him to keep one coherent thought, as if his body knew what it wanted anyway.

He slipped off of Javier's lap and kneeled on the floor, his fingers shaking, his mind dizzy with pleasure and desire. Javier whimpered softly when Yuzuru unzipped his jeans and took his cock out, and he said something, a mumbled, pained whisper, and Yuzuru didn't want to know what he was saying.

It was almost gratifying, the weight of Javier's length in his mouth, his taste, drawing quiet gasps out of him, and Yuzuru let himself get lost in that, feeling sparks of pleasure coiling in his stomach and running along his spine with every move, every muffled cry torn out from Javier's lips. Some dark, hazy part of him wished Javier would grab his hair, thrust, do something, but Javier's body was trembling slightly, his hands grasping the edge of the chair so hard his knuckles went white, his head thrown back.

He came moments later with a broken sob, the sound and feeling of his relief making Yuzuru shiver with plesure. He devoured every second, every drop and every twitch of Javier in his mouth, and when he pulled back he was feeling warm and dizzy.

And then he looked up and his blood started to freeze.

Javier was sprawled on the chair, his chest heaving and his expression absolutely and utterly helpless, his dark eyes looking at Yuzuru in a way that made his heart stop.

It was dawning on him, what just happened and what he did, and he felt like someone grabbed his lungs and heart with a cold hand and didn't let go, and he could just stare, frozen and breathless.

Javier swallowed visibly, and Yuzuru noticed that his hands were shaking when he slowly zipped his pants up, and Yuzuru felt disgusted with himself, a feeling so strong he couldn't fight it. He was painfully aware of the cold floor he was sitting on, of the uncomfortable stiffness of his pants, and he was so, so aware of Javier's slow footsteps as he walked towards the bathroom, not sparing one glance in Yuzuru's direction.

 

He didn't know how much time passed, but when he heard the quiet sound of the door he was still sitting on the floor, his head hidden between his knees, and he didn't have enough strength to look up, to do anything.

He kind of wished for Javier to grab him and punch him, yell at him, do anything, _anything,_ because maybe that would make him feel maybe a little bit less disgusted with himself.

Javier's footsteps stopped right in front of him and Yuzuru's muscles tensed, but instead of a hit he heard quiet shifting and felt careful touch on his arms. He raised his head rapidly, blinking in the dim light of the kitchen, and saw Javier's face right in front of him, and his heart clenched at the overwhelming amount of sadness and compassion.

Yuzuru opened his mouth to say something, to apologize, to say anything, but he couldn't, his throat and tongue feeling dry and stiff.

„It's okay.” Javier said quietly, and his voice was so gentle Yuzuru felt like he would cry, if he only hadn't cried out all the tears already.

A corner of Javier's mouth twitched and then leaned forward, his lips brushing Yuzuru's forehead and then moving to his cheek, and Yuzuru couldn't breathe, couldn't move, his heart bruising his ribs and lungs.

„I wanted you too.” Javier whispered, his breath hot against Yuzuru's cheek, and before Yuzuru could do something, say anything, Javier was already walking away, leaving him alone on the cold floor.

 


	6. what you'll see is the worst me, not the last of my kind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask, Idk either.  
> Long time no see, please check updated tags. Not all of the apply to this chapter, but I thought I'd let you know in advance what you can expect.

Yuzuru didn't have enough courage to leave his room.

He hadn't slept the whole night, restless, not able to stop and close his eyes. He was feeling terrible, disgusted with himself and what he had done. His head was pulsing with dull pain and his eyes hurt, bright light filling his room making him blink, but he couldn't even cry to try and ease himself a little bit.

He was scared to leave, not because he thought Javier would hurt him, but because he was afraid to see him in the eyes and see a reflection of what had happened last night between them.

“I wanted you too.” Javier had said, his breath hot against Yuzuru's cheek.

Yuzuru's breathing turned rapid as he slowly sat down on the floor next to the window, and he hid his face between his knees as memories came back to him, hot and nagging, growing inside his chest and pressing against his ribs, making it hard to take a breathe.

It didn't go away, that want, burning him from inside, maybe even stronger than before. Before now he knew, how it was to feel Javier's strong muscles beneath his fingers, he knew how he sounded, how he tasted.

Yuzuru shuddered, both from shame and desire.

Why was he so fucked up? Why-

Someone knocked to his door, shortly and urgently, and then grabbed a door knob, but not able to enter the locked room.

“Yuzuru, your father wants to see you in his office.” Daisuke said from the other side, his voice abolutely calm “So I need you to get yourself together and come out.”

Yuzuru didn't want to. He wanted to stay like that, curled on the floor until he would get a fucking grip, but he knew he had no choice. The last thing he wanted was to anger his father, give him more excuses to torment Yuzuru... or Javier. So Yuzuru forced himself up, feeling a bit unsure, his body tired after a sleepless night, and he opened the door.

Daisuke raised his eyebrows as he looked at him, and Yuzuru was painfully aware of his state, rumpled clothes, tired face. And a few metres behind Daisuke was Javier, looking at Yuzuru with unreadable expression that made Yuzuru's insides clench.

“Well we don't have time to clean you up.” Daisuke sighed, turning away and heading for the door “Come on, follow me.”

It felt like infinity, walking through the entire house to reach his father's office, and Yuzuru could only think about Javier's footsteps behind him, quiet and steady. The house was so big, a palace he spent his entire life in, a golden cage with no escape. They had never lived together, to be honest, but next to each other, unless his father decided to find yet another ways to make his life even more painful.

“Hello, Yuzuru.” his father said when the three of them entered the office, Yuzuru sitting down on one of the chairs while Daisuke and Yuzuru stopped by the door “Javier, please, come closer, sit down.”

Javier hesitated only for a heartbeat before he slowly made his way closer, doing what he was asked for. Yuzuru's father looked at them for a moment, his smile pleasant and gaze searching, making Yuzuru squirm.

“Daisuke made me aware of what happened yesterday. You did good job, Javier, I'm impressed.”

Javier didn't say anything, and Yuzuru didn't dare to look at him. His father seemed like he didn't care at all about how his son looked like, with disheveled hair and dark circles under his eyes.

“I'd like to offer you a deal, Javier.” Yuzuru's father said, smiling easily “My son was trying to... protect you a bit, from who we are and what we're doing. Naive, really. But I have another plans.” he leaned back in his chair, his expression amused “By the end of the year I plan to move us abroad.” he announced and Yuzuru flinched, surprised, as his father continued “The deal is- if you work nice, don't hide, don't shy away... I will let you go home, and all of this will be just a pleasant memory of our cooperation.”

Yuzuru felt like he couldn't breathe, while Javier exhaled deeply, as if he was trying to buy himself some time.

“Really.” he said slowly “Why should I believe you?”

“Oh, what a good question.” the older man chuckled “But you can ask my son if you want, he will tell you that I always keep my promises.”

Yuzuru's lips parted, as if he wanted to say something, to scream, he didn't even know. He glanced at Javier, whose face was filled with badly hidden disbelief and just the tiniest glimpse of hope.

“And all I have to do is...” Javier trailed off and Yuzuru's father smiled at him broadly.

“Just don't try to stay back, Javier. I want you to get to know the life you so recklessly signed yourself for.”

“He didn't sign up himself for it.” Yuzuru snapped without thinking and immediately regretted speaking up, because his father's gaze was now on him, cold and heavy.

“Oh really.” he said slowly “Are you getting sympathetic, Yuzuru? That doesn't surprise me, you've always been weak.” he said carelessly before looking at Javier again “The offer stands. That's all. Dai, you can take them back.”

There was something bitter in his mouth, mixing with metallic taste of blood, and Yuzuru felt light- headed, and he wasn't sure how was he able to walk back to his part of the house. The only thing he could think about was that he had to go back to his room, crawl into his bed and sleep, sleep until he would be able to breathe and to feel maybe a little bit better.

He didn't have a chance.

“Hey.” Javier said quietly, grabbing his sleeve the moment Yuzuru was reaching to open the door to his room “Wait.”

Yuzuru was grateful that Javier wasn't touching him, only the fabric of his shirt, because he didn't know if he could handle it.

“Let go.” he said weakly and Javier sighed, tugging his arm rather forcefully and forcing him to turn around.

Yuzuru had been so afraid to look him in the face, to see all the emotions that had to be coiling inside him, of hostility, of judgement.

But he didn't find any of those emotions.

Javier was looking at him with eyes that weren't hostile and not even emotionless. They were warm and careful, filled with some uncertainity, and Yuzuru's insides twisted.

“I'm sorry.” he said, his voce hoarse, throat raw “Really, I-”

“I know.” Javier said, sounding tired “I know. And- I'm sorry, too.”

“What?” Yuzuru asked, surprised, and Javier's lips twitched in a painful grimace.

“I shouldn't have-” he made a vague hand gesture “I know that-”

Javier sighed deeply, his shoulders hanging, and Yuzuru felt a sudden urge to take him in his arms and hold him, and pretend that it all was different.

“You have nothing to apologize.” Yuzuru said quietly. It was all his fault, his doing, and he still hated himself for what he had done, for letting need and lust overwhelm him so much he wasn't able to control himself.

Javier let out a short snort at that, and when he raised his head to look into Yuzuru's eyes, his gaze was surprisingly warm.

“You're not the bad guy in here.” he said quietly and Yuzuru felt a shiver running down his spine.

“How can you say that?” he asked, his voice cracking, and Javier inhaled deeply, and he looked like there was some great battle going on inside him.

“We don't have to like each other. And I don't think we can trust each other.” he laughed, the sound bitter and ragged, and then he stepped closer, so close that Yuzuru could count all his eyelashes if he wanted to.

"I don't know you, Yuzuru." Javier said softly "But you're not the bad guy. And you don't have to apolgize, not for that."

Suddenly all he could hear was his own rapid heartbeat, blood thudding in his temples, and it was as if all the exaustion catching up to him. He took a small step back and lost his balance almost immediately, swaying on his feet. He almost fell to the ground but there was suddenly a strong arm around his waist, keeping him close, and he shuddered at the feeling of being held so close by Javier.

"Easy." Javier muttered, steadying him "You okay?"

Yuzuru looked at his face again and he couldn't tear his gaze away from the signs of the fight that had happened a night before, that little, now closed wound on his eyebrow and a bruise on his cheekbone, and Yuzuru was itching to touch Javier's face, to trace his cheek with his fingertips.

He didn't, though, and he had to fight to stay on his feet as Javier kept holding him, looking at his face closely, his brow furrowed.

"You should shower." he said finally "And sleep, probably." he tugged Yuzuru's sleeve gently "Come."

He basically dragged Yuzuru to the bathroom, where Yuzuru leaned against the sink heavily, confused and dizzy.

"You're going to be okay in here?" Javier asked and Yuzuru made an extreme effort to find his voice again.

"Javier." he said, bracing his hands on the cold porcelain, seeking something to ground him as Javier wasn't holding him anymore, now standing three steps away and looking at him intently "What my father said... I-"

"You don't think I should believe him?" Javier asked quietly, tliting his head as if he really didn't know the answer.

"I-"

"I'm not stupid, Yuzuru." Javier sighed, looking as tired as Yuzuru was feeling "But if there is even a little chance of me going home, then I'm going to take it."

Javier's voice cracked a little at the word 'home' and everything in Yuzuru burned. He thought about his father's words, that he was planning to move abroad. It was a new information to Yuzuru, but he wasn't really surpised. And to be honest, he wasn't sure if he even cared, because his life would be hell in any place on the planet. But maybe Javier didn't have to be a part of that.

"You know what he expects, right?" he asked tightly, because he needed Javier to know "You will see, do things, that-" he wasn't able to finish the sentence, but somwhow he was able to look into Javier's eyes, dark and determined.

"I just want to go home."

Yuzuru felt his throat clenching, and he knew that he was about to cry, because his father was right and he was weak like that, weak and useless and disgusting. He inhaled sharply, leaning against the sink heavily, and Javier misinterpreted that, because he sighed deeply, shaking his head.

"Come on." he said, opening the shower door and giving Yuzuru a pointed look "You're going to be okay?"

Yuzuru nodded numbly, grabbing a hem of his shirt, but his fingers were stiff and trembling, and he wasn't even sure if he could raise his arms enough to take it off.

Why everything was so hard and fucked up, and so damn humiliating?

Javier looked at him for a moment before slowly stepping closer.

"You need help?" he asked quietly and that sent Yuzuru on the edge of crying, because he couldn't understand. He couldn'r understand why Javier was acting like that and why wasn't he disgusted to touch him, and why-

"Can I?"

Yuzuru only dropped his shoulders and looked at Javier for a second before looking away and biting on his bottom lip, trying to control himself and maybe not faint.

Javier helped him get rid off his clothes, careful not to touch him too much, and Yuzuru didn't care about anything anymore. He was exhausted and dizzy, and when he got into the shower he leaned against the wall heavily, closing his eyes and trying to gather enought strength to turn the water on. He didn't have to, though, because after a few seconds he heard a deep sigh and close footsteps, and then there was warm water falling on his head and even warmer body right in front of him.

Javier was still wearing clothes, that now were soaking wet, and he was smiling, close and small and private, and Yuzuru couldn't do it anymore.

A small sob escaped his lips as he blinked rapidly, his eyes filled with tears and water, his heart stuttering and throat clenching.

"I'm sorry." he muttered, closing his eyes again and leaning his head back against the wall again, pretending that words could be enough "I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

"Shut up."

Javier's voice wasn't full of anger, it was... quiet, and before Yuzuru had a chance to open his eyes, he felt strong arms wrapping around him and a moment later Javier was pulling him into a hug that made Yuzuru shudder violently.

"It's okay." Javier said, his wet shirt clinging to Yuzuru's skin "You're okay, it's going to be okay."

Yuzuru inhaled sharply and pushed all the thoughts aside, deciding not to analyze Javier's behaviour and what the hell was going on.

He had forgotten how it was, to really hug someone, so for that one brief moment he would allow himself not to think and just be, and pretend that he could believe in Javier's words.

Nothing was going to be fine. Nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments!


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